


hope is to believe

by novakid



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Post-Sburb, Recovery, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 03:43:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6595234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/novakid/pseuds/novakid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was almost overwhelming how well Jake could get him to change his mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hope is to believe

Jake believes hand holding is one of the most basic forms of affection that a couple can publicly display. 

Dirk believes that it's one of the most intimate. They had never held hands before. Something about the contact of bare skin sets him off. It embarrasses him. Makes him feel vulnerable. The metal form of his robots, inorganic material of his apartment, and dead fish that he ate are the only touches that he's use to. But  _ people? _ No, he was not good with people. And yet, when he sees Jake's palm open toward him, he can't bring himself to reject it. They walk together, hand in hand through the park in the universe they helped to create. 

Jake believes the feeling of rolling around in dirt and grass is one of the best feelings.

Dirk believes dirt and grass is gross. Soil is so foreign to him. Even at the new beaches they go to have sand, which is sort of like dirt. Dirk hates the feeling of sand between his toes. He hates the green stains on the knees of his jeans. He hates the dirt under his fingernails. Jane takes them all gardening one day. Roxy is showing her all the worms she dug up, to Jane’s dismay. Jake pulls Dirk’s attention from the dirt by leaning over close and putting a flower in his hair. He’s close enough to smell, and Dirk smells the grass. He smells the soil. He smells the earth. Jake pulls away and caresses his cheek with a dirty hand. When Jake goes back to working on planting more flowers, Dirk decides not to wipe off the dirt on his cheek. 

Jake believes that lying besides Dirk helps him sleep at night.

Dirk believes he can not, and will never be comfortable to someone else. He's a sharp edge. Cold and metallic. Pointy from his toes to his shades. His hands are rough and his heart is rock. Someone as warm as Jake has no business laying beside him. “It’s called the thermodynamic equilibrium, chum.” Jake says as he climbs into bed next to Dirk. “Don’t fret over it.”

Jake believes that there's good in everyone, even in the really bad people. 

Dirk believes that he is irredeemable. Jake says that he forgives him, and he says he isn't bad. He says it again, and again, and again. "Yeah, you're right." Dirk says. But every time, he doesn't mean it. He can't comprehend how Jake can still forgive him. He can't comprehend how Dave can stomach him. Or how Jane and Roxy can think of him as a good friend. All he does is hurt. But Jake takes Dirk's hand and looks at him right in the eyes, and says, "You're fine, Dirk. It's all fine. You're my friend and I forgive you." Even if it's for a few minutes, Dirk allows himself to agree. 

Jake believes the sky makes him feel vast. 

Dirk believes the sky makes him feel small. They go outside during the night sometimes. On the roof of their new home. Jake loves stargazing. Dirk comes along. Jake can describe the way the stars bend and twist and create stories and can show the lives of those lost and the lives of those to come. Dirk only sees the void. He feels the hollow loneliness throb in his chest. It’s big. It’s too big. It surrounds him. Suffocates him. He hates it. He looks up, sees darkness, and he can’t breathe. He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe. It’s unbearable. But Jake is there. Jake is there, and when Dirk starts to shake, he holds him. He holds him until he stops shaking, and he holds Dirk and helps him try to look once more. Jake takes off his shades, and suddenly, he can see the whole night sky. Jake teases him for his foolishness, but all Dirk can do is stare up. Jake soon takes his hand, and together they reach up at the same sky. Dirk swears he can feel the stars brush against his fingers. He doesn’t tell Jake, though. Not until they’re safe under the covers of their shared bed. 

Jake believes that it’s okay to cry. Especially after not crying for a long time. 

Dirk believes that crying is ugly. People who cry are ugly. There’s nothing poetic about it. He hates crying, so he doesn’t do it. He does everything he can to avoid it, because crying is the most useless symptom a human or troll or carapace or  _ anything  _ can do. But sometimes, he cries. He cries loud and hard, because he can’t help it. He can’t help feeling awful or empty. He can’t help wanting to die, he can’t help but to hate himself, he can’t help but to fester over the “what ifs” in his life. He can’t help but feel the failure, or feel all the awful things his alternates have done. He hates that he can feel it, because of his stupid heart powers. He hates being God tier, he hates how he still does the things to his friends he swears he’d never do, and he hates how he can’t get over himself enough to show his feelings to the people who mean most to him. Most of all, he hates himself. Every part of it disgusts him. So he cries, and cries, and cries all alone. And he hates how Jake finds him crying one day, and he hates how Jake has to comfort him. He hates how he pathetically sobs into Jake’s arms. He hates it. 

Jake believes that Dirk is beautiful. That Dirk is perfect. That his flaws and bumps and insecurities are what makes him perfect. 

Dirk believes, out of all his friends. Out of the alphas, the betas, and all the trolls, that he is the most repulsive of them all. His skin, his feelings, his being. He’s horrible, so horrible, and awful for making Jake have to hold him as he laments. 

Jake believes that there is hope to get better. 

Dirk believes there is no hope. But then Jake takes his face and makes Dirk look him straight in the eyes. Jake tells him that hope is right here. That  _ he _ is right here. He tells Dirk a lot of things. 

Jake believes that he truly, honestly loves Dirk. 

And Dirk can’t believe he’s this lucky to have someone like Jake. 

But he believes he loves him back, and in that moment, he understands. Because Jake is right, because hope is to believe, and Jake believes, and that means that there is hope for him. For both of them. For everything. And that’s all that matters, despite everything. 

Jake believes that it’s going to be okay. 

Dirk believes in Jake. 


End file.
